How Many Times?

"How many times must the piper be paid..........." (Mickey Newberry, R.I.P, obscure country singer).

In the beginning, an e-mail to CHCA board candidate Jim Foster:

Jim,
I am writing to you in connection with your interest in running for the CHCA board. It has come to the attention of the election committee that questions have been raised concerning potential conflict of interest in light of your role as publisher of publications vying for advertising dollars among NW philadelphia businesses.

Questions have also been raised about the propriety of you having access to the Local's financials in this regard. If you submit a nomination the elction committee will need to bring this to the attention of the board for a decision. When we do so I want to include your rational as to why you believe there is no conflict of interest. I am on the train to NY but I will be back later today. I am copying Jane so that in the meantime she can poll the election committee so there is a committee opinion available to the board. In the meantime, if you are going to submit a nomination it will be among those drawn for a ballot position. But it can't be put on the ballot until the board has had a chance to weigh in on the conflict question. We can talk later today if you like.
Thanks. Pat

Back to the present:

Considering the freak show that is the CHCA Board of Directors, (don't make me name names), there is a fascinating exercise of democratic process in the upcoming April 2009 election.

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CHCA ELECTION RULES 2009
2. Only individual members of the Chestnut Hill Community Association can run for election to the Board. (chestnuthill.org)
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Not a word, so far, about residency requirements, income, education, or membership in a mainstream church or coven. There's no limit on talking shit in the self-penned "biographies" submitted by the candidates.....nor any fact checker either. No vetting, no background checks, no inky finger prints.

Only these two: CHCA dues paid, and four members willing to sign upon the dotted line(s).

So in the passive/aggressive/passive voice language a la the late Bush administration, Jim Foster had learned that he needed a Special Election before his name could be put on the ballot for the Election Election.

Except for that brazen hussy Ann McNally who forgot that rule about deep cover, no names were named. No quotes quoted or attributed to living (sic) persons.

As it turns out, "meetings were held." "conference calls" were dialed up, and private email lists were activated.

Questions had been raised.

These meetings, surveys, random street polls were to be followed by more meetings.......public meetings attended by designated membership who would be producing a COMMITTEE OPINION to guide those with the power of The Last Word but without an opinion of their own.

Buck up, Jim.

Recent history one turns up one similar case of double dipping. That was in 2005 when yours truly, riding on the not-quite-sufficient coattails of Lou Aiello and Maryann Ross Cowper, came in first of the losers. "Fear not," my mentors said. "Somebody always quits and you're next."

All it took was a decision from The Decider Stewart Graham and the.....um....... unfortunate failure of Dick Becker to actually run in the election.

So I also had to "run again" facing off against a row of unpleasant old women led by the Missus who voted AGAINST my assuming my seat on the Board. It wasn't important enough for me to make a note of the for/against but it appears that the ayes had it.

Many of us always figured Stewart Graham as the back room boyo - the bush league Machiavelli with a finger in every plot.

My money's on The Real Mac, Jane Piotrowski. Who else has served on the executive committee regardless of the ruling party the last five years? Who can even hope to match her contacts considering that she has been on every committee ever listed in the CHCA office. In spite of Sanjiv's obvious deep pockets, she was the one who publicly donated hours, days, weeks of free labor to boost his business. For what? To be his confidant and BFF in the same way she herself described her friendship with R. Snowden.

Every coffee klatch in Maxine's kitchen, every "work session with Cosmopolitans" -- Pastorius Park, the Gala, the seriously offensive house tours -- she was there. It's impossible to clock those hours spent on the phone or cranking out those emails. Her service as CHCA Secretary served as the best little cover-up ever and her bad grammar and elaborate (yet senseless) *minutes* for the meetings will stand alone in their brilliance as psy-ops known only to MI-6.

Is she the Manchurian Candidate or the Wizardress of Oz?

Post script: Rumor has it that Foster has somehow been found worthy and the crisis averted. I don't care. It's still a great and unforgettable story. And I've got the records, as usual, to prove it.

Martha Haley