Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Oh Well, I Guess I'll Write about Her Too-by Ed( No,it's not about you, Richard) Feldman

I feel dirty writing this, and not in a good way. But since everyone else seems to have already written about her, and since it's so easy, and since I haven't read the thoughts that I will share with you now (although I wouldn't be surprised if they had been written already), I guess, well, here goes. But my heart isn't in it. But I won't mention Her Name, and that will make me feel less like a Bandwagoneer.

Yes, Her, why is she popular at all? Is it because she's everything that Obama is not? She is that. She's a woman, she's white, she speaks without thinking, she lives without thinking, and she works the media like Carrie Prejean works her..... See, I told you that my heart wasn't in it. I didn't even try to come up with an amusing euphemism for clitoris.

To compare the Divine One with Miss "Jesus says my implants are okay-and so are my fingers and this zuchini" is already a tired metaphor. They both are famous for the way people get famous these days, which is confusing to those who remember the old way.

Not for excellence, but for getting on the fame merry-go-round through a series of embarassing failures, then not succumbing to the natural inclination to hide in the rec room til everyone forgets, but rather figuring out ways of not falling off. That is a talent in itself, albeit one that is practiced, for a shorter time periods, by the Fulbright Candidates who reveal their man-tits on the Jerry Springer Show.

So to get minutes over your fifteen, the outrageous ways one must continue to present oneself in order to keep the cameras from finding other subjects, may just reveal a Savant-ish talent in our Gemini-like former beauty queens.

Because if either of them suddenly started acting reasonable; if Miss California Pussy Fingers suddenly went on a Church Mission to teach less advantaged Third World Women to be proficient in activities that would keep their hands occupied during the extended periods of time the male villagers were out hunting game (and keep her away from the TMZ Paps), or if the Rogueish One were to lock herself away in a room and begin to read all those books and newspapers she once claimed knowledge of, long enough to emerge with the ability to anwer a question involving a fact, well then, where would the entertainment value be in that?

No, our culture has had it with fame having anything to do with excellence or achievement or hard work. We like our celebrities to be train wrecks. It's so much more interesting, you know, ugly but you can't turn away. We like 'em big and stupid. Better for our self esteem too.

Look on the positive side. The fact that clown shows like these occupy our news time signals a return to pre-911 America, when it was all about OJ, Oval Office BJ's and Shark Attacks. Remember? We all had money then.

Even the attacks on Obama for bowing, or not bowing, or being a Commie, or a Nazi, have the elements of farce that we haven't experienced since a they tried to impeach that guy because of a dry cleaning issue.

Until someone takes a shot at him, of course. Anybody got the over-under on that one?

Fame is some weird shit. And staying famous is so much easier when you don't have to waste valuable time practicing a talent or craft or reading and studying. Then all you have to do is to work on staying famous.

Paris Hilton is more famous than any Hollywood Actress, and the only skill I've seen her demonstrate would only rate a B+ on my scale. Tilt your head back Hon, you'll be able to go deeper.

It may be against the law to shout "Fire" in a crowded theater, but it sure gets everyone to notice you. Just ask me.

But there is a substantive similarity between the Killa from Wasilla and Miss Born-Again-Porn-Again.

They occupy a position vital to the continued self delusion that is a cornerstone of the ethos of "social conservatives". The reason for that name is because the Media that coined it did not want to alienate potential customers by calling them what I do.

White Trash. Bohunks. Munyaks. Sky Jockeys. Renaissance Deniers. The folks who think the End is Near because the Democrats and Jews and Queers and Niggers have all gotten together to loose the plagues of Sodom on the Greatest Country the Giant White Man who lives in the Sky ever Created.

All the Evils of Society have been created by the Liberalism that made beating your kids illegal and all the other Commie-Based Nanny-State interferences that killed John Wayne and replaced him with Ryan Seacrest.

Yet all the while they Lament the moral slide to Perdition that they assume started with Alan Alda, this same John Hagy-watching demographic; squeezes out bastard children by the carload, produces all of our nations' methamphetimine, supplies every single actress in Porn (have you ever listened to them talk?-They ain't from the Upper West Side) and takes care of those in need of help in the States they control with the indifference that would drown them in the Tears of Their Savior, if He existed.

Denial is Mothers Milk to these Good People. Without it, they would have to admit what us Godless Liberals take for granted. That what you call Sin is fun, that we like it and it won't doom us. That it predates you belief system, and only became a problem when some power trippers needed a reason to market that system to help them get a handle on controlling some of your ancestors, the gullible of yore, and make a few bucks.

It worked, just like Ring-Around-the-Collar started getting people to pay for extra for Wisk, a powdered detergent mixed with the magic ingredient of water.

It takes someone with Balls of Iron to sell nonsense like that. It takes someone who can deny the truth when everyone can see it on the JumboTron.

It takes the kind of person who can accuse Her opponents of moral laxity while Her knocked-up, unmarried, teenage daughter stands right behind her.

It takes someone who vetted her future son-in-law with the same diligence as She was and now blames him for making a living, just as She is, off the national Joke you both played on all of us. At least he didn't use a body double for his cash-in. I know, writing the book yourself would have taken away important "twitter-time".

It takes someone with "social conservative" version of Denial that the Neo-Cons use when extolling that fact that there hasn't been an attack since, uh, you know, uh, 2001.
Apart from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the Play?

The best defense is more of everything that got you famous already. Meaning is meaningless when the lights are all on you. Work it Girl!

Lil' Eddie

More wacky stuff like this on Morning Feed-Monday thru Friday on your Computer Machine

Saturday, November 14, 2009

King of all .........

I hope you're all listening to my Innertube Radio program on
Morning Feed, only two weeks old, is already causing a stir. A prominent Philadelphia weekly newspaper is doing an article about me, and the program, and all my other interests.

I have begun to have guests come on the air and that is going quite well. Perhaps some prominent Hillers would be interested in joining me.

For the first time since his demise, I have thought of Tom Fleming. I think he would have
considered a guest shot on Morning Feed. It would have appealed to his playful side. I think he would have enjoyed himself and we would have had an interesting time discussing both non-controversial topics.... and the other kind. We could have discussed his racing career.

I once promised Tom that I would piss on his grave. He got a kick out of that. I spent a little time trying to find his present whereabouts in order to fulfill my pledge, without success, but, as time passes, so does my promise. Tom was wrong about a lot of things, but I'm gonna give him a pass. His most virulent attacks against me were so sudden and random, in between periods of affability, that I'm gonna chalk them up to the confusion and the sense of powerlessness that comes from the inability to master situations, both physical and intellectual, that he once could dominate.

I am often asked, "Why Chestnut Hill?". The easy answer is, write what you know. The secondary one-journalist division-is, outsiders can act as surrogates for an previously uninformed general public.

Fish out of water viewpoints are easy. Ignorant optimism, followed by discovery, recognition, disgust, conflict, and resolution by the outsider author mirrors the journey his heretofore innocent reader takes.

But a sense of microcosmic recognition is also important in works such as this one. For, as I tell Hill Tales to folks who have no prior knowledge of the place, they respond in two ways.

They are incredulous that the sort of culture, based on Apartheid- racial, moral,and political-exists within a Liberal, Multicultural, Northern City.

They wonder how a handful, many from outside the neighborhood, and from outside the City, have taken control, without protest from an informed, local populous.

Some, without any economic incentives, are the most virulent in administering power over a neighborhood in which they do not live, or earn.

And then there's Snowden. In a country where Global Warming and its' causes are an accepted concept to all save the most ridiculous Palinistas, the Hill's most powerful citizen, and the known perpetrator of offenses locally, owes his fortune to the most damaging, Earth destroying, workerer ravaging industrial process ever devised.

When I tell the uninitiated of Snowdens' involvment in Strip Mining, and show them the statistics of coal disease and poverty in Mingo County West Virginia, where his operations lie, then show them his vacant Hill properties, his tax scams, and his racist, blackmailing signs on the sweet Avenue that he now controls through the election of his tenants, employees, friends and lackeys, these intelligent people shit in their pants.

In other communities this guy would be exposed, shunned, shut out, picketed. In the Hill, his possible arrival at functions is as anticipated and hoped for as a shaft of pure light emanating from Gods' Own Penis, piercing through the Clouds of Despair.

But through the incredulity of my rapt listeners and readers, is the sense of recognition that they have heard this all before, writ larger in the socio-economics practiced in Washington and elsewhere. Some people are for sale, and all it takes is a guy with a checkbook and a boner for them to ask, "which hole?"

So, a cloistered subculture, like the Sopranos or the Mormons, coupled with the dance of money, pressure, and privilage buying off the greedy, threatened, and socially disadvantaged, is a mix of mystery and familiarity that is highly entertaining.

I once asked Dottie Sheffield, amateur horticulturalist and recipient of Snowden Largesse, why she defended him so. She gave the mantra so often heard," He has done such wonderful restorations!" (Actually just a couple). I asked her if she had ever ridden on the Autobahn in Germany. I assumed the answer, just as I assumed the actual ethnic orgin of her familiy's last name.
"Yes I have, and it's wonderful" she replied.
"It was built by Hitler, you know", I reponded.
"Well, good for Hitler", said Dottie.
"Thanks Dottie, I'll quote you on that" I replied.
And now I have. It didn't happen in some basement in Posse Comitatus Country, or a clandestine cross burning, but right here in Chestnut Hill.

The stories that happen right under your nose are the ones that must be told-by you.

Ed (I'll be giving out Richards' address and phone number on the Air- if my lawyer says it's OK) Feldman

Friday, November 06, 2009

I Pity the Fool

Poor Greg Welsh. Poor Chestnut Hill Business Association. And Poor CHCA board. After years of throwing their weight around, pistol whipping their perceived enemies into submission, they finally have adversaries with enough pull and nerve and support to bitch slap them into their first defeat since we stopped them from firing Pete Mazzacarro.

As I have reported so often, you don't need much to beat this bunch, just a little nerve , and sometimes a lawyer. And in a response from Greg that anyone could have forseen, he cried "foul."

"It's a shame that the process that's been in place in Chestnut Hill for years.....has been usurped."

That's right Greg, because your Process, of Real Estate Insiders and Business Owners who have made the Hill into the Bank Ridden Mausoleum that it is, that fall all over themselves to get at the Teats of Snowden, only to find them barren and then ask for seconds, then attack the Local as "negative" for having the temerity to report that John Capoferri, one of their own inner circle, is a felon who cheated his friends and the Hill businesses out of hundreds of thousands, is crumbling.

Your Process allows all of this to happen, then tries to silence those who report it.

Your Process serves only those involved in its perpetuation for their personal enrichment.

Your Process ignores the Near Neighbors.

Your process ignores Democracy.

Now Democracy kicks your ass and you cry foul.

Your use of the word "usurp" is so "Hilly" I wonder if if it's actually on loan from one of your ethnic betters.

It was so much easier when all you had to do was get some Tool to shout "point of order" at a meeting when someone objected to your Process.

It was so much easier when all you had to do was send a thug to the Local to frighten the Help

Now you have a Rival. The Chestnut Hill Residents Association. They can play your game and Win. They have Allies and Pull and Connections. And Lawyers.

It won on Zoga, and now people are seeking its help in the Chestnut Hill College fight, rather than the CHCA's. That big sign you see coming into view reads " CHCA=IRRELEVANT"

Snowden picking you as his Front man was a Mistake. You're not Hilly enough. The Jew part doesn't help.

Walter Sullivan is seen as a Buffoon, and his wife as an embarrassment of Colossal Proportion.

The CHCA has always done its dirty work behind closed doors.

But now, with you and Kristina, two very un-Hill like personalities as its public face, more and more formerly disinterested people are beginning to become repelled. Kind of like with me only different.

I once wrote that your personality was a type of which I was quite familiar. The pride in the ability to lie with a straight face. The egotistical combination of sly street kid and and savy businessman, the Sharpie, the Tony Curtis character in "Sweet Smell of Success," always able to fool the "straights."

But now you're getting squeezed from two ends. Snowden is your JJ Hunsecker, the Burt Lancaster character from that film. He can buy and sell you, sees you as his tool and you both know it. You think you can play him, but with the differences in your respective holdings, whatever you can get from him is beneath his notice, and therefore your victory over the Shagetz negates any meaningful kvelling.

And your act is just too Showy for the Protestants. And as for trying to fight the Democratic Machine; well, be my guest.

The kicker is this. Greg, I think you're dirty. And all this attention is gonna bring an awful lot of light to bear on your other operations, in all your other pies, in all the other neighborhoods in which you operate. Remember bragging about it all to me before you started lying to me about your connection to Snowden and we stopped talking?

Two years before Cappoferri went down, I exposed him. He was a Snowden lackey too. He's gonna get the big Nickel, at least.

Chip Butler, same thing; A.) Snowden Bitch, B.) Feldman exposure, C.) Jailbird

The Moyl can't save you. I'm on the case.

Anyway, come on my program, 9-10 AM, Mon-Fri and we'll be like Jack Benny and Fred Allen. Feuds are good for ratings. You can even sponsor the show. Any pub is good pub. And the station is right down from Takers. Remember? I know you do.

Ed (Morning Feed) Feldman

PS.- Join the Chestnut Hill Residents Association. Don't Worry, I'm not in it and I don't come to meetings.

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Wednesday, November 04, 2009

On the Air ....

ED FELDMAN IS ON THE AIR... NO. HE'S ON THE INTERNET! Monday through Friday from 9:00 to 10:00 AM

Yes, kids-I now have a daily platform from which to expose all that I see as evil and hilarious and corrupt and stupid and obvious. Can you all guess who and what I'm talking about?

Monday thru Friday from 9:00 to 10:00 AM, Ed Feldman, Furniture Guy, College Teacher, Writer, and Scourge of Idiots and Assholes Everywhere, will be heard over computers, I-Phones and other modern-day electronic Pacifiers on

Now all the World can listen as I talk of Chestnut Hill and its cast of Wacky Characters. Richard, Dina, Greg, Walter and his Humunculus will be prominently displayed to the ears of everyone around the entire World with an internet connection. I'm gonna make you people famouser than ever.

Though links to my Furniture Guy Website, You-tube and Facebook, as well as my network of fans around the Globe, the Hill will be as well known as Lake Woebegone, or Mayberry, or Auchwitz.

Of course the Hill will be just one subject for examination during my program, which delves into all my areas of expertise and opinion. Many Hillers may enjoy and even understand some of these other topics.

Truth be told, the Hill story will have to be unfolded gradually to those listeners unfamiliar with our shared history.

But once everyone been been brought up to speed, the fun will begin.

To those of you who are prepared to lament, let paint a rosy picture.

My intention is to help Hill businesses and the Hill itself by publicizing their unique qualities.

Imagine new visitors to your establishments, asking questions like, "Is this where that Richard Snowden put up his Signs? He makes his money off Coal Mining in West Virginia and spends it on ...What?"

Or "Is this the office where Peggy Hendry took credit for giving a Black Man a vacation day on Martin Luther Kings' Birthday?"

Or "This is the Bank with the twenty foot photograph of a Restricted Country Club, right?"

I am trying to help here. I may develop a Feldman-Style Tour of the Hill, like they do in North Jersey for the Sopranos. It could help.

And serving Democracy is all part of it. Now, when I get wind of the latest CHCA scheme, I can announce it on my radio show, and when I tell people to come to the board meeting, who knows how many will show and from how far?

Now to all those who think this will be one-sided, think again. I personally extend invitations to all those who I have mentioned, and to any others who feel the need to represent the Hill in any way to come on the program with me. The discussion will be cordial, the questions pointed, and the room small. So if you have the time, and the courage of what you probably still call your convictions, go to the website and I will schedule a day for you.

Wednesday will probably be reserved for local news, after the papers have gone to press.

So Richard, call your Lawyers, it looks as if they now have a new assignment, listening to me every day. Walter, you can daydream about hitting me over a new medium. Greg, I'll be doing restaurant reviews.

The show is called Morning Feed. Monday thru Friday 9-10 AM, I play music too!

I'll start posting the flyers soon. Then I'll take pictures of who rips them down.

I told you I was in this for the long haul.

Ed (talk about your Morning Zoo) Feldman

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Changes to Parking Rules and a Request to the Parking Foundation

Since watching my car float away during Hurricane Katrina my wife and I had become hardcore supporters of public transportation. While she worked up in North Wales the 94 and the 134 got her to and from with limited issue (okay, there was the time the bus made the wrong turn on 309 and went 20 miles in the wrong direction getting her home at midnight instead of 7 pm as they had to wait for an escort to help them get back on track). We became fans of Philly CarShare until they eliminated the "no charge" limited use monthly plan. Then we moved to 19119 and I learned to despise the 23. Five times an hour is a big fat lie.

In recent months it didn't matter if I got to the bus stop at 8:45am or 8:10am. I would be waiting until almost 9am for my ride to work. Growing tired of this I looked at my options and got a scooter. A moped. A little 50cc device that would send me up and down the Avenue at speeds that sometimes could reach 45mph. One of the nicest parts about this is that it is legally considered a bicycle. I could park on sidewalk (as long as I was in line with the buildings) and didn't have to fear ticket or towing.

This all changed last week. I exit a business I had purchased a few things at to discover a parking ticket on my ride. $76?! Jeez. I check with the parking "code" and it states that I shouldn't have had any trouble or tickets with my vehicle. I speak to the PPA (oh what wonderful people) and they inform me that the laws have changed, but no tickets were to be written until Nov 4th 2009.

Scooters will no longer be permitted to park on sidewalks in Philadelphia (NYC just began these regulations as well) and must be limited to the designated Scooter/Motorcycle parking spaces alloted by the city. The representative of the Philadelphia Parking Authority I spoke with yesterday informed me that parking a scooter in car spaces could, in some instances, result in a ticket - and fines would be higher for bikes at an expired car parking meter than an expired scooter/motorbike meter. She suggested I use the scooter parking lots on Market Street until I informed her I was looking to park in the Chestnut Hill section (there are already scooter spaces in Mt. Airy).

So I ask the Parking Foundation to please add these spots. There are 11 registered scooter owners in 19118 and more in 19119 and 19038 (we have quite an online community and know about each other). We are already considered progressive as our vehicles cause less pollution, get better gas mileage (I get 90 miles per gallon) and descrease traffic congestion. We just need a place to park.


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