Job Search/What Might Have Been

PART ONE

Hey kids, I just read Foghorn Sullivan's latest vomit-on -the -page in the Local, about riding his scooter to the U.N. if it had been built in Andorra, a bet on par with his wife being able to ride his Presidency to any job involving interaction with Humans.

I would have sold my mother to Hamas to see Walter trying to putt-putt his two hundred and eighty five pounds of horseshit up Bells Mills Road. Hey Walter, dream big, if you can repeal Newtons' Laws, maybe you can get Kristina out of the house.

We must all be thankful for the U.N. opting for the East Side. For if Walter had ever brought the Beast with him to hear the General Assembly, she might have replicated what the board let her spew at the meeting last week. And we'd now be living in a post-World War III landscape of styrofoam and cockroaches, which means Kristina would still be alive.

I also loved his congratulating Chestnut Grill/Snowden Bitch Greg Welsh's failure at getting a Civil War Museum built locally, another safe bet. Its' patrons would have fit the Demographic of the Regular Hill Shopper perfectly, both groups having been dead for twenty five years.

Is Greg sliding you some free Made-in-Omaha Mozzerella sticks for free, at least? Maybe he could hire Kristina as a Maitre D'esse for his Applebees'-on -the -Avenue. It would be like when Rickles worked the lounge at the Sahara, only with less charm, and more hair.

I like helping the Handicapped as much as the next guy (unless the next guy lives in the Hill), but Pete's place in Heaven is already assured for having put up with Asshole Brigade for so long. He doesn't have to lobby further by letting Walters' seepage use up valuable wood pulp.

PART TWO

I have found another reason that Walter was so simpatico with settling the Rob Remus non-lawsuit. It seems Walter is experienced in collecting money from his neighbors in this manner. He sued the Venetian Club and collected a generous five figure settlement. I'll get the exact dollar amount and the details soon.

Walter, that was your last chance-a new life with your winnings, the flat, tropical terrain of the Gulf Coast or Sunny Scottsdale for your Scooter, and an escape from the relentless shrieking.

She would have awakened one day and you would have been Gone.

The settlement would have been your condo down payment. And then the Social security would have kicked in. You could have chased a few ambulances. Down there, there's one going by every few seconds. Old folks would have hired you off your voice and physical stature alone. Your expertise wouldn't even have mattered. You could have fooled everyone.

She would have awakened one day and you would have been Gone.

In those climes, you could have started over. Your Manner and that Voice would have made you an Exotique-Sexy Widows, Jewesses, Southern Belles, would have fallen under the spell of your melifluous tones. Spring Training Games, Early Bird Specials, the Moonlight. Easy Pickins', my Friend

She would have awakened one day and you would have been Gone.

Now you're stuck in the Stenton Cell Block with someone so embarrassing that the people who put you on the Throne want the ground to open up and swallow her every time she pries herself out of the chair to speak.

Even Tolis Vardakis, one of the most reliable tools of the CHCA Power Freak Coalition, called "Point of Order" at her, and he's on her side. It was the first time the Ex-Puppet ever did that to an Ally.

She would have awakened one day and you would have been gone.

My Guess is that someone has already spoken to you about Her. But it won't help. She's Unstoppable. I guess the folks who wrote about my antics in the Local will be Publicly Silent on this matter.

You had your Chance, Walter. It's too late for you now. But I can help. You can take it out on me. I enjoy it.

She would have awakened one day and you would have been Gone.